Codependancy, Disease of immaturity caused by childhood trauma
· Latch on to unresponsive person (avoidant addicts)
· Someone dependant on / enmeshed with / focused on taking care of others, also
known as co dependence
· Difficulty loving one’s self e.g.: lack of self esteem
· Lack of boundaries with other people e.g. difficulty protecting oneself
· Difficulty in creating awareness of one’s individualism
· Difficulty in addressing one’s need e.g. self care
· Difficulty being appropriate for one’s age e.g. self pity
· Unhealed pain from child hood
Core Secondary System (Underlying)
· Negative control
· Impaired spirituality
· Addictions/ Mentally and physically ill
· Difficulty with intimacy e.g. abuse
Three Characteristics of a Love Addict:
1. Love addicts assign a disproportionate amount of time, attention and “value above
themselves” to the person to whom they are addicted and this focus often has an
obsessive quality about it.
2. Love addicts have unrealistic expectations of unconditional positive regard from the
other person in the relationship.
3. Love addicts neglect to care for or value themselves while they’re in a relationship.
· Attracted to Love Addict
· Toxic emotional cycles
· Connect with Love addicts on a form of seduction/ the thrill of being adored
· Attracted to the neediness and vulnerability of a love addict
· Avoidant addicts then control the love addicts and play the role of a higher power
due to the neediness of the love addict
· Love addicts are then attracted to the power and confidence that the Avoidant
· The Avoidant addict feels safe and wanted – there may be a lack of the nurturing
quality from a young age e.g. No relationship with their mothers.
· Eventually, the avoidant addict becomes overwhelmed by the neediness of the love
· The avoidant may potentially abandon the relationship with the love addict and
replace it with another addiction
· But due to the avoidant addict having issues of abandonment , the cycle begins
again; the relationship begins again
· When the Avoidant Addict notices their partners have given up on them, their fear of
abandonment is triggered and they return to seduce the love addict. If they don’t
return to the same love addict, they will connect with another love addict. (Cycle
EXAMPLE ON LOVE AND AVOIDANT ADDICT
An Adult love addict son can continue to participate in a co-addicted relationship with his
Avoidant Addict mother, even though the son may be fifty years old and married. In the
process he essentially abandons his wife and family (thereby becoming the Avoidance
Addict in relationship to his wife)
BETWEEN TWO LOVE ADDICTS
A Love Addict and other Love Addict form a very intense relationship. They enmesh with
each other, get very dependent on each other, and often exclude other people from the
partnership. Many times they even exclude their children, and these children feel very
abandoned by their parents’ addiction to each other. The intensity, obsession and
compulsion is focused by each partner on the other partner and on the relationship itself.
BETWEEN TWO AVOIDANTS
An avoidance addict and another avoidance addict form a very low-intensity relationship.
They agree to keep intensity low because each of them finds this comfortable; however they
each create intensity, obsession and compulsion outside the relationship, which quite often
does not include the other partner. For example it could be that one is a work addict in
business and the other is intensly involved in church work or another form of volunteer
HOW DO I CHANGE THE LOVE ADDICT OR AVOIDANT ADDICT BEHAVIOUR?